My Mess

My life is messy.  And by messy, I mean really messy.  

Before the mess I had two pretty normal teenage kids and comfortable, quiet house.  My husband and I could go out for a lunch or a dinner and be alone anytime we wanted.   We were in a good place.  Life was predictable.  I could go to lunch with my friends.  Have a pedicure now and then.  Exercise by myself every morning.  And I gave it all up and invited mess into my life.

In the past 6 months, the police have been to my house 4 times because a child ran away.  I have had to leave a public place more than once because a child was about to have a meltdown.  I have counted to 100 over and over to remain calm.  I have held a child sobbing the words “Why is this my life?  What did I do to deserve this?”.  And I had no answer.  I have had things thrown at me.  I have been snotted on, cried on, spit on held on, and hugged on.  I have sat with a child in a Bible class when none of the other children would sit next to her.  I have read stories, said prayers, answered hard questions and probably did it all wrong.  I have been exhausted emotionally, physically, and lost the ability to string words together.  

 I have questioned over and over again if this is really where God wants me.  Because this is messy.  I am not good at it.  I feel inadequate. 

 And that is where God meets me.  That is when a calm I have never had finds me.  I realize I am not enough but God is.  Somehow words inexplicably come and I have no idea where from.  And answers to the tough questions show up from nowhere.

Parenting is a tough job—ask any parent.  Parenting a child that has lost the ability to trust, has been hurt beyond what you can imagine, has gone days without food, has fought to maintain a human dignity because everything has been stolen from them is a special kind of tough.  Parenting that child is messy.  

But that makes the rewards so much more significant.  The little things.  She called me mom. He climbs in my husband’s lap and asks him to read a book.  A spontaneous hug.  Whispered words of hope—making a plan for tomorrow or even beyond tomorrow because a sense of a future is creeping in.  

The heartbreaks are real.  But the healing is profound.  The doubt is overwhelming.  But the steps towards trust are exciting.  Parenting a hurt child is messy.  But God can take a mess and turn it into a beautiful life.  And as a foster parent, you get to be the tool God uses to redeem His child.  Jesus specializes in cleaning up messes.  And he can use you to do it.

 

‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’  Matthew 25:40