Chapter 3–Thankful For Cancer

 

I remember when we adopted Vika and Veronika.  For those of you who don't know our family well, we adopted them when they were 4 and 5 years old from Kaliningrad, Russia.  Both girls had been in a house fire and while Vika was saved and suffered no injury, Veronika was burned.  She was burned over 30% of her body surface--the most severe burns were on her legs but also her stomach and her right arm.  When she became a Brinkley, the scar tissue on her right leg was very tight and would not allow her to straighten her leg, she could barely walk and she needed surgery right away.  She had 5 surgeries that first year.

     Here is this little kid who can't understand a single word we said to her and we have to put her through surgeries, bandage changes (so painful), rigorous PT, and so many things she did not understand---and she clung to us.  She needed someone to depend on to get her through and we were there and we forged a parent/child bond in a time when she had no other option but to lean in and hold on tightly.  In adoption language, we call this attaching.  It is a critical point in the parent/child relationship when we really connect--we get each other--we begin to more than just fall in love, we form a deep bond that will last a life time.  You hear of attachment disorders in the media and it is a real thing.  A child that is unable to attach because of childhood trauma has a difficult time through life attaching and forming deep relationships that are critical for their well-being.  Veronika needed us, we were here and we met every need she had and she felt safe and it felt like we simply melted into each other. And we attached,
     Vika was another story.  Vika was loving and she was affectionate but when she hugged us, it was almost like there was a rod in her back—never really being “all in”.  We were good, she liked us but her attachment came over a very long period of time.  We had to earn her trust slowly and methodically.  It took years but eventually she firmly attached into our family.  Norm and I often joked during this time that we wished Vika would break a leg or something so we could prove ourselves to her and she would let us fully into her world.
     Some of you may be wondering where I am going with all of this.  My 'burns' are Norm's cancer.  See I was walking along through life pretty ok.  I had some struggles and some joys and I knew God was there and prayed and went to church.  Kind of like Vika-I was good-- but the full dependence was a place I knew I could go to but I didn't NEED to.  Kind of like having a foot in two worlds but never fully in either.
    Then Cancer.
I cant stand on my own anymore.  Half the time I cant breath.  Every moment of everyday I constantly talk to God and ask Him to heal my husband, comfort my children, and give me strength to take the very next step.  God has become so real, so relevant, so essential to every moment of every day--that I simply cannot go on without Him.

God has met every single need since this began except one--healing Norm.  Insurance? best we have every had. Bills due? there is always just enough to make it through each day.  Kids need things? A bag of like-new hand me downs shows up at the door.  Grocery issues--yep, He's got that covered.  Worried about Norm taking time off work?  God took care of that one too.  Norm's chair falling apart, leaking the stuffing?  New one appeared in our living room.  Even things I don't think I need until I find out I do are there.

I love Norm with all my heart.  I love and cherish my children.  I never want to be without any of them.  But I cannot exist without being attached to God.  He is my Rock, my salvation, my Creator, my steadfast love.  He hears my cries and shows me His tender mercies.  And like Veronika, when every part of my security has been striped away, I am left with only myself and God.
And for that, I am actually thankful for cancer. Weird right?  Thankful for cancer.
It is the furnace, the thorn in my side, the reminder that whatever good I do, it will never be enough because Jesus is the only good I will ever need.